Last evening, I asked this question. I rarely get answers for my questions. I’m ok with it because I don’t answer other blogger’s questions either. (Well, except that one girl, but she seemed like she really wanted an answer.)
“How would you choose to demonstrate authentic love towards an unrepentant child molester?”
Depending on your perception of what love is, you might believe me to be rather heartless. I have never personally known a child molester, but I did try to walk with a man named Sid who had a strong affinity for young boys. He’s had previous run ins with the law after exposing himself.
I don’t see him much anymore, but if I were ever to find that he was actually molesting children on an ongoing basis, I’d probably have him locked up. No. I don’t hate him. I really don’t. When I consider the various conversations I have had with this young man, he is burdened beneath an unimaginable burden of guilt, sin and shame. If I really love him, how could I possibly allow him to be burdened any further?
During that time, once in a while I would have a conversation with people who looked down on parents who try to protect their children. On one occasion, I asked such a man whether or not he would allow a pedophile into his home to play with his kids. I didn’t get a response. As I walked in Christian circles, I often felt guilty for not inviting Sid over for Christmas dinner, or making the effort to get him a ride to church. I'm sure he would have been willing to help with Sunday School.
I didn’t show my love to Sid by bringing him to church or inviting him into my home to play with my kids. I demonstrated my love for Sid by going ‘outside of the camp’ to where he was. I spent time with him on my own. Time after time I told him that he simply cannot indulge in his particular sexual desires. Does that not sound hateful? I did my personal best to tell him about Jesus. In prayer, I even began to pray the ‘sinners prayer’, until we got to the part where we thanked Jesus for dying for our sins. It was at this point when he told me, “I don’t really believe that He paid for my sins.” So we stopped there.
I still make myself available to Sid. When he calls, I answer. Our schedules haven’t lined up for some time, but I’m ready if they ever do. I’m still prepared to dial 911 if I find out he’s hurt some poor child. I give him money when he’s broke. Lord willing, I hope I can remember his birthday this year.
I’m no scholar, but in my mind, smiling at a life of sin is just another form of hatred.
That is how I choose to demonstrate love to Sid.
In Christian circles, we talk about throwing open the doors of church. Are there no limits to that philosophy?
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Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Monday, April 25, 2011
Are You Ready to Love?
Question. This is in regards to the topic of my second manuscript. I was thinking of placing discussion questions at the end of each chapter. How about this one?
"How would you choose to demonstrate authentic love towards an unrepentant child molester?"
You're right. If I pose questions like that, this one won't even do as well as my last effort. Have a good night. Remember, axe murderers need love too!
"How would you choose to demonstrate authentic love towards an unrepentant child molester?"
You're right. If I pose questions like that, this one won't even do as well as my last effort. Have a good night. Remember, axe murderers need love too!
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Grow Up.
More For My Friend Who is in a ‘Relationship’
“When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.”
1Corinthians 13:11
This portion of Scripture wasn’t written within the context of marriage, but there is something at work here in Paul’s words that weigh in on some of life’s most precious relationships. No doubt you have realized that high school is over. You aren’t a kid anymore. Unfortunately, just because we’ve lived beyond our puberty years, doesn’t mean that we have actually grown up to the point where we are able to hold up our own end of a married relationship.
It isn’t that we aren’t allowed to have fun anymore. There is a place for fun. There is also a place for being child-like, even as a believer in Christ. In fact, Jesus Himself said, “the kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children.” Matthew 19:14
There are aspects of being a child that we need to hang on to as believers. There are others however that need to go and Paul mentions 3 of them. 1 Our Speech, 2 Our thinking, and 3 Our reasoning.
Most of the time, popular culture portrays men as little more than grown up babies. Unfortunately, many of us deserve the caricature. It’s pretty tough to make a list or a summary of the thoughts and attitudes that we need to let go of. Perhaps if you rent the American Pie dvd’s you might get an idea of what childish behavior looks like. No. I’m really not recommending it.
As you press on towards marriage, perhaps a good question to address both individually and as a couple might be this;
“In what ways do each of you need to grow up?”
As for me, I’m still growing up. There are times that I really don’t want to do what I know needs to be done. I’d rather spend some time with my own entertainment than to have a go at the honey do list that my wife has made up. The baby in me wants to cry and whine about it, but the man should be ready to take personal responsibility for his own tasks.
Invariably, if you are going to be joined as one, there will be some things that have to go. How selfish are you? To what extent are each of you willing to put the needs of the other first? Christian marriage isn’t a partnership. The two have to function as one. In order for that to actually happen, the both of you will have to function as if you are one person. It won’t work so long as each or either of you wants to continue living the teenaged dream.
It is a very sad thing to see grown men and women who really haven't grown up. People who hide when it's time to take action. People who run when it's time to stand. People who turn to the drug instead of standing tall. People who shop when it's time to save. I don't want those phrases to describe me. If you are the person I remember, then neither do you.
Love Kevin
“When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.”
1Corinthians 13:11
This portion of Scripture wasn’t written within the context of marriage, but there is something at work here in Paul’s words that weigh in on some of life’s most precious relationships. No doubt you have realized that high school is over. You aren’t a kid anymore. Unfortunately, just because we’ve lived beyond our puberty years, doesn’t mean that we have actually grown up to the point where we are able to hold up our own end of a married relationship.
It isn’t that we aren’t allowed to have fun anymore. There is a place for fun. There is also a place for being child-like, even as a believer in Christ. In fact, Jesus Himself said, “the kingdom of Heaven belongs to those who are like these children.” Matthew 19:14
There are aspects of being a child that we need to hang on to as believers. There are others however that need to go and Paul mentions 3 of them. 1 Our Speech, 2 Our thinking, and 3 Our reasoning.
Most of the time, popular culture portrays men as little more than grown up babies. Unfortunately, many of us deserve the caricature. It’s pretty tough to make a list or a summary of the thoughts and attitudes that we need to let go of. Perhaps if you rent the American Pie dvd’s you might get an idea of what childish behavior looks like. No. I’m really not recommending it.
As you press on towards marriage, perhaps a good question to address both individually and as a couple might be this;
“In what ways do each of you need to grow up?”
As for me, I’m still growing up. There are times that I really don’t want to do what I know needs to be done. I’d rather spend some time with my own entertainment than to have a go at the honey do list that my wife has made up. The baby in me wants to cry and whine about it, but the man should be ready to take personal responsibility for his own tasks.
Invariably, if you are going to be joined as one, there will be some things that have to go. How selfish are you? To what extent are each of you willing to put the needs of the other first? Christian marriage isn’t a partnership. The two have to function as one. In order for that to actually happen, the both of you will have to function as if you are one person. It won’t work so long as each or either of you wants to continue living the teenaged dream.
It is a very sad thing to see grown men and women who really haven't grown up. People who hide when it's time to take action. People who run when it's time to stand. People who turn to the drug instead of standing tall. People who shop when it's time to save. I don't want those phrases to describe me. If you are the person I remember, then neither do you.
Love Kevin
Sunday, April 17, 2011
What's Your Body For?
When we receive Christ and The Holy Spirit comes to live in us. If that has happened in you, there are ramifications.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20
19 Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, 20 for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body.
In his first letter to the believers in Corinth, Paul asks them whether or not they are aware of this spiritual truth. He asks them whether or not they realize that their bodies are the temple of the Holy Spirit. If we think on it literally and try to discern the physical mechanics of what is happening here, it could blow our minds. We’re talking about the God of creation, the One whom the heavens cannot contain, and the God who is bigger than the universe itself. If you have received Him, He has taken up residence in your body. That temporary tent that you are living in has become the very house of God.
Don’t you realize that your body is God’s house? You have been bought and paid for as someone buys and pays for a home. For those of us who have received Him, we have likewise been bought and paid for, not with cash, but by the precious life blood of the only begotten Son of God. You really don’t belong to yourself anymore. Your life is no longer your life.
Although I’m speaking in terms of home ownership, the implications for our lives go much deeper. We were slaves; purchased from the slave market of sin, bought for the purchase price of God’s own Son. Jesus was the original humanitarian philanthropist, making His home in us where we were, as we were, rather than merely having us move into His house.
I suppose if you have never really believed on the Son, this really wouldn’t apply to you. Your life is your life. I guess instead of being a temple, your body might be more accurately described as an amusement park. If you have a better way of describing it, I’d love to hear it. As for me, before I knew Christ, that’s what my body was for. My life was my life and I used my body in a way that would bring me pleasure. If I wanted to drink, I drank. If I wanted to watch something, I watched it. If it felt good, I likely did it. I don’t want you to write me off as being a completely pleasure seeking individual. I had, as most people do, some sense of morality and societal obligation. However, in the truest sense of the word, I was my own boss. I expected the world to revolve around me and I spent the bulk of my efforts trying to run my own universe in the way I saw fit.
Have you been bought with a price? What is your body exactly? Perhaps your body is part temple and part amusement park. Can that be? If you have been purchased from the slave market of sin, what now? Is this salvation experience all that there is? Is Jesus nothing more than a destination, or some kind of theme park entry fee, where once paid, we’re at liberty to do whatever pleases us?
What is your body to you? It might be the temple of the Holy Spirit. It could be your version of Disney World. I have no idea. You would have to tell me. Could it be some combination of the two? Perhaps it is a part temple and part theme park. It might be used as a temple on Sunday, and a brothel for Monday through Saturday.
Having the love of God poured into our hearts by the Holy Spirit is not the final destination of the Christian faith. It is the beginning of a new life under new management. To live otherwise would be like to having gotten off with a warning from a police officer, only to continue speeding again. Realizing the way in which God loved us and having received the love of God, our life’s story has not come to its conclusion. Suppose you find yourself in just such a place. You have realized who He is, who you are in His sight, and you have received Him. What now? Having received Him, our response is to remain in Him.
Monday, April 11, 2011
It's Your Dad's Fault That You Turned out This Way.
There are many ways in which the love of God is lived out in those who receive Him. You hear of missionaries who leave their comfortable homes, only to live in some remote region of Africa, eating bugs and slime because they have a heart for the people there. Some believers bring homeless people into their homes. It’s common for churches to do their part in stocking the shelves of the local food bank. When I lost my job 10 years ago, some anonymous people from church helped my wife and I by giving us $1,500 to try and make a new start.
If you walk in Christian circles for any length of time, you might run into people who leave their ‘secular’ jobs for positions in ministry which pay significantly less. You might get to know believers who intentionally move to a poorer part of town in order to be better placed to help the disadvantaged. You may cross paths with people who take orphans into their home, work with the homeless or walk alongside of people who struggle with addictions of various forms. There isn’t a cookie cutter mould, but these are some of the ways that love pours itself out of those who have received the Spirit of Christ.
If I ever write another book on this subject, I’ll likely write about these and many other ways in which the love of God expresses itself through His people. Love is patient, so it’s not uncommon to find believers who are waiting on God or waiting for marriage. Love is kind, so you find many charities and organizations which have strong Christian roots. Perhaps you have heard of World Vision, or Compassion.
For this book and for this chapter, I want to look at one characteristic of love in particular and how it demonstrated itself in the life of someone that I know. We’re told in 1Corinthians 12 that love keeps no record of wrongs, and I have been blessed to see that aspect of love demonstrated in the life of a close friend of mine. His name is Manuel. As you picture Manuel, imagine some tall, dark, dashing Spaniard, fast enough to run with the bulls.
Among the general population, Manuel could easily justify living a life of bitterness and resentment more than most. Although I have the privilege of knowing him, I have a difficult time envisioning the kind of childhood that he endured. I don’t have a list of Manuel’s sins and neither would I want to. For whatever he did and did not do as a child, Manuel had been labelled as the, “bad child”. As if it wasn’t enough to be labelled as such, he was also known as the “not so bright” child of the family. ‘Bad and dumb.’ Those were the labels pasted upon Manuel by his own family and peers.
Everyone is known for something I suppose. If we’re made to feel bad and dumb often enough, I guess that is what we become. Perhaps that is why Manuel kept the label. In fact, living up to the label seemed to be the only way he could get any sort of attention from his family. On most days, nobody really payed any attention to him at all. If on the other hand, he did something bad or did poorly in school, that would be noticed. Yet, it wasn’t the type of attention that we would consider to be positive.
Manuel’s mom was often the disciplinarian of the family. When he would act badly or perform poorly in school, she gave him attention. The attention he received generally came in the form of chastisement. When disciplining him, she would beat him down with any object she could find. His mom would continue assaulting him until she was simply too exhausted to continue. After beating him beyond her physical ability, she would often lock him in his room for hours.
One would hope that school would provide some respite from the violence; some pause or intermission from the pain. Rather than being a resting place from the conflict at home, it proved to be an extension for more of the same. Living in a predominantly white community, Manuel was constantly tormented because of his racial distinction. For Manuel, English was a second language. For him, it was a new language, which made it difficult to progress at the rate of his schoolmates. He was known as the ‘not so bright’ one both at home, and at school.
That was life. Could anyone blame Manuel if he were to live a life defined by bitterness and resentment? Would it astound anyone if family reunions and Christmas were a time of difficulty? What do you say to the mom who did that to you? How do you draw close to a father who took part himself, if only to allow it to happen? What is it like to get together with a brother or sister who is known to be better and smarter than you are? How can a young man learn to reconcile the past and to recognize the lies for what they were?
Manuel was a young man when He encountered the living person of Jesus Christ for himself. He had received forgiveness for his sins by the One who had freely paid for them with His own blood on the cross of Calvary. Over time, Manuel began to realize the lies for what they were. He came to realize that he wasn’t dumb. Of course English was harder for him than for those who were raised with it, but he wasn’t unintelligent. He wasn’t the bad kid. We are all on a level playing field, we’re all sinners, in need of God’s precious grace.
Manuel had been forgiven and was made right with the One who is above all – God Himself. He had experienced the freedom and the love of God, made real in his heart. Manuel knew that this new life had implications which extended beyond his standing before God. He knew that his relationship with Christ was intended to impact not only his own life, but was meant to have its affect on his family life. As Manuel tells his story, he shares it in this way, “The more I learned about Jesus and having that relationship with Him motivated me to want that with my family.”
How do you do that? Where does one find the strength? Can you put yourself in his shoes? Having encountered Christ for himself, Manuel could no longer progress through life as a victim. He knew that he actually played his own part in the injustice that took place in his home. He had sinned against his family and wanted to confront it for what it was. Having been forgiven by God himself, he also wanted to extend that same forgiveness to the very people who had hurt him the most.
Rather than continuing to live out a crippled and embittered life, Manuel prayed through his fear, remaining focussed on the revealed Word of God. Many people are absolutely scared to death to admit that they are wrong in any capacity. Pride tends to be a tough meal to swallow. Others feel they have been beaten too badly to extend forgiveness to those that have wronged them. By the love, grace and power of God – Manuel did just that.
Manuel chose to use the gift that had been given to him. If you ever meet this tall, dark, dashing Spaniard, I hope that you take the time to know him well enough to hear his story. He likely won’t share it with the whole world, for the sake of the identity of those involved. Life isn’t completely perfect for Manuel. He still has his obstacles to overcome, but by God’s grace, He will overcome, just as he has in the past.
Having received the love of God, Manuel came to understand the intention of that gift. The gift was meant for more than just his own personal edification. That love was meant to be extended to the people in his house. For him, those people actually used to live in the very same house. Today, Manuel has a family of his own. God’s purpose for him now includes, but is not limited exclusively to the people in his literal household. Manuel has been reconciled to God the Father through Jesus Christ our Lord. That reconciliation was also meant to be extended to the people in his life.
If you walk in Christian circles for any length of time, you might run into people who leave their ‘secular’ jobs for positions in ministry which pay significantly less. You might get to know believers who intentionally move to a poorer part of town in order to be better placed to help the disadvantaged. You may cross paths with people who take orphans into their home, work with the homeless or walk alongside of people who struggle with addictions of various forms. There isn’t a cookie cutter mould, but these are some of the ways that love pours itself out of those who have received the Spirit of Christ.
If I ever write another book on this subject, I’ll likely write about these and many other ways in which the love of God expresses itself through His people. Love is patient, so it’s not uncommon to find believers who are waiting on God or waiting for marriage. Love is kind, so you find many charities and organizations which have strong Christian roots. Perhaps you have heard of World Vision, or Compassion.
For this book and for this chapter, I want to look at one characteristic of love in particular and how it demonstrated itself in the life of someone that I know. We’re told in 1Corinthians 12 that love keeps no record of wrongs, and I have been blessed to see that aspect of love demonstrated in the life of a close friend of mine. His name is Manuel. As you picture Manuel, imagine some tall, dark, dashing Spaniard, fast enough to run with the bulls.
Among the general population, Manuel could easily justify living a life of bitterness and resentment more than most. Although I have the privilege of knowing him, I have a difficult time envisioning the kind of childhood that he endured. I don’t have a list of Manuel’s sins and neither would I want to. For whatever he did and did not do as a child, Manuel had been labelled as the, “bad child”. As if it wasn’t enough to be labelled as such, he was also known as the “not so bright” child of the family. ‘Bad and dumb.’ Those were the labels pasted upon Manuel by his own family and peers.
Everyone is known for something I suppose. If we’re made to feel bad and dumb often enough, I guess that is what we become. Perhaps that is why Manuel kept the label. In fact, living up to the label seemed to be the only way he could get any sort of attention from his family. On most days, nobody really payed any attention to him at all. If on the other hand, he did something bad or did poorly in school, that would be noticed. Yet, it wasn’t the type of attention that we would consider to be positive.
Manuel’s mom was often the disciplinarian of the family. When he would act badly or perform poorly in school, she gave him attention. The attention he received generally came in the form of chastisement. When disciplining him, she would beat him down with any object she could find. His mom would continue assaulting him until she was simply too exhausted to continue. After beating him beyond her physical ability, she would often lock him in his room for hours.
One would hope that school would provide some respite from the violence; some pause or intermission from the pain. Rather than being a resting place from the conflict at home, it proved to be an extension for more of the same. Living in a predominantly white community, Manuel was constantly tormented because of his racial distinction. For Manuel, English was a second language. For him, it was a new language, which made it difficult to progress at the rate of his schoolmates. He was known as the ‘not so bright’ one both at home, and at school.
That was life. Could anyone blame Manuel if he were to live a life defined by bitterness and resentment? Would it astound anyone if family reunions and Christmas were a time of difficulty? What do you say to the mom who did that to you? How do you draw close to a father who took part himself, if only to allow it to happen? What is it like to get together with a brother or sister who is known to be better and smarter than you are? How can a young man learn to reconcile the past and to recognize the lies for what they were?
Manuel was a young man when He encountered the living person of Jesus Christ for himself. He had received forgiveness for his sins by the One who had freely paid for them with His own blood on the cross of Calvary. Over time, Manuel began to realize the lies for what they were. He came to realize that he wasn’t dumb. Of course English was harder for him than for those who were raised with it, but he wasn’t unintelligent. He wasn’t the bad kid. We are all on a level playing field, we’re all sinners, in need of God’s precious grace.
Manuel had been forgiven and was made right with the One who is above all – God Himself. He had experienced the freedom and the love of God, made real in his heart. Manuel knew that this new life had implications which extended beyond his standing before God. He knew that his relationship with Christ was intended to impact not only his own life, but was meant to have its affect on his family life. As Manuel tells his story, he shares it in this way, “The more I learned about Jesus and having that relationship with Him motivated me to want that with my family.”
How do you do that? Where does one find the strength? Can you put yourself in his shoes? Having encountered Christ for himself, Manuel could no longer progress through life as a victim. He knew that he actually played his own part in the injustice that took place in his home. He had sinned against his family and wanted to confront it for what it was. Having been forgiven by God himself, he also wanted to extend that same forgiveness to the very people who had hurt him the most.
Rather than continuing to live out a crippled and embittered life, Manuel prayed through his fear, remaining focussed on the revealed Word of God. Many people are absolutely scared to death to admit that they are wrong in any capacity. Pride tends to be a tough meal to swallow. Others feel they have been beaten too badly to extend forgiveness to those that have wronged them. By the love, grace and power of God – Manuel did just that.
Manuel chose to use the gift that had been given to him. If you ever meet this tall, dark, dashing Spaniard, I hope that you take the time to know him well enough to hear his story. He likely won’t share it with the whole world, for the sake of the identity of those involved. Life isn’t completely perfect for Manuel. He still has his obstacles to overcome, but by God’s grace, He will overcome, just as he has in the past.
Having received the love of God, Manuel came to understand the intention of that gift. The gift was meant for more than just his own personal edification. That love was meant to be extended to the people in his house. For him, those people actually used to live in the very same house. Today, Manuel has a family of his own. God’s purpose for him now includes, but is not limited exclusively to the people in his literal household. Manuel has been reconciled to God the Father through Jesus Christ our Lord. That reconciliation was also meant to be extended to the people in his life.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
The Cure for Loneliness?
"If your suffering is a burden, reach out to ease that of someone else and bring hope to them. . . . Offer compassion when you need it. Be a friend when you need friendship. Give hope when you most need it." --Nick Vujicic, Life Without Limits
I took this quote from the Facebook status of one of my friends. I have often thought these thoughts but have never been able to articulate them so clearly. I often wonder what the world would look like if we all lived with this mindset.
Is this how the world works? I don’t think so. I have often suffered from bouts of loneliness, but in my loneliness, I tended to think that it was the responsibility of someone else to reach out to me. I rarely considered the possibility that my condition might have been purposed to compel me towards others.
It took some time to be willing to invest myself into the lives of others, but by God’s grace, I have begun to do just that. I am blessed to be surrounded by many amazing people who are willing to confront me in love, uphold me in prayer and lean on me in their own need.
I now live out a very different injustice. I now tend to look at my life as if I’m a spiritual super hero. Now that I have escaped the loneliness, I often look at my role as this obscure caped crusader, being that guy who has it together, who is willing to help others put it together. The injustice is barely recognizable, because it has the appearance of nobility; the arrogance of it barely distinguishable.
It’s much easier to claim victim status that to do something about it. Isn’t it? If the lonely reach out to the lonely, will either be lonely any longer?
I took this quote from the Facebook status of one of my friends. I have often thought these thoughts but have never been able to articulate them so clearly. I often wonder what the world would look like if we all lived with this mindset.
Is this how the world works? I don’t think so. I have often suffered from bouts of loneliness, but in my loneliness, I tended to think that it was the responsibility of someone else to reach out to me. I rarely considered the possibility that my condition might have been purposed to compel me towards others.
It took some time to be willing to invest myself into the lives of others, but by God’s grace, I have begun to do just that. I am blessed to be surrounded by many amazing people who are willing to confront me in love, uphold me in prayer and lean on me in their own need.
I now live out a very different injustice. I now tend to look at my life as if I’m a spiritual super hero. Now that I have escaped the loneliness, I often look at my role as this obscure caped crusader, being that guy who has it together, who is willing to help others put it together. The injustice is barely recognizable, because it has the appearance of nobility; the arrogance of it barely distinguishable.
It’s much easier to claim victim status that to do something about it. Isn’t it? If the lonely reach out to the lonely, will either be lonely any longer?
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Q & A - Why Are Men So Angry?
Hey Kev!
Came across a blog that said that the #1 problem that comes out in male support groups is that of anger or rage. The big remedy is anger management of course, but is it working? Is that what is needed? Is anger management even biblical?
My second question to you two guys is this: "Why?" Why are men so angry these days? What is at the root of this anger do you think? I have a few ideas but I would love to get your input when you have the time to think it through and respond to me.
Tom
Dear Tom;
Well, we're living in a land that is walking away from God. That means there are fewer and fewer people who are indwelt by the Spirit of Christ. Not that all Christians were aver accused of being led by the Spirit, but if the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness......what can we expect to replace it?
Anger isn't the problem. Spiritual banckruptcy is the problem.
Or maybe I'm wrong. Let me know if anger management fixes it.
Love Kevin
Came across a blog that said that the #1 problem that comes out in male support groups is that of anger or rage. The big remedy is anger management of course, but is it working? Is that what is needed? Is anger management even biblical?
My second question to you two guys is this: "Why?" Why are men so angry these days? What is at the root of this anger do you think? I have a few ideas but I would love to get your input when you have the time to think it through and respond to me.
Tom
Dear Tom;
Well, we're living in a land that is walking away from God. That means there are fewer and fewer people who are indwelt by the Spirit of Christ. Not that all Christians were aver accused of being led by the Spirit, but if the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness......what can we expect to replace it?
Anger isn't the problem. Spiritual banckruptcy is the problem.
Or maybe I'm wrong. Let me know if anger management fixes it.
Love Kevin
Monday, April 4, 2011
I've Got a Girl, and She's Got a Guy
Every so often, I receive an e-mail that blesses my socks off. Really. I’m not wearing any. I had an old friend write me updating me on his life. He had a lot wonderful things to share. I’d fill you in on some of the details of his life, but some of you might figure it out. There are approximately 4 people who read this blog (one of whom lives in Russia) so I don’t want all 4 of them knowing who I’m talking about.
In short, he has a girl. She likes him. He likes her. She probably smells nice. He looks good in his dark sunglasses. They are considering planning their lives together. After sharing some very encouraging news about the direction of his life, he asked me...
“I do not really know questions to ask, because this really is the first adult relationship I have ever been in. In fact one thing that we think could be helpful, is asking you what types of things should we be talking about (I know vague, but it really is one of the only questions I have)”
If I’m going to ruin their lives, I might as well do it in public. Who knows? Maybe it can bless you in the process.
It’s wonderful to hear from you Ned!
It’s funny. I was reading through some of Barb’s love letters from University. I wouldn’t recommend saying the same things that we used to say to each other…..
“I’ll make you pies. I’ll make you cookies and cakes. I’ll be a good wife. I’ll try my hardest anyway.”
Good times.
Maybe you don’t need to make pies or cakes.
Thank you so much for you question. It’s an awesome privilege that I would come to mind as you consider what could become one of the greatest relationships on this side of heaven. I’m glad to hear that you have found someone and I look forward to meeting her someday. What should you be talking about as you plan your lives together?
The first thing that comes to mind has little to do with a conversation, but more to do with what you are thinking about. I’m going to give you a question. You don’t have to tell me, but I encourage you to seriously consider it for yourself.
Something To Think About
Is there anything about her that you hope will change?
If you are anything like me, your first response will be, “Of course not. I love her just the way she is.” If that’s the first thing that comes to your mind, please don’t dismiss the question just yet. Dig deep if you have to. Are there things that maybe you aren’t quite fine with, that you are hoping will fall by the wayside as life moves along?
I trust that you are with a woman of noble character, but are there things that she does that you really aren’t fine with? A friend of mine from high school has a girlfriend who likes to go out drinking with her guy friends. My friend says that he’s fine with it. He even tells me that he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with it. However, I question how honest he is being about it. I wonder if he’ll really be fine with watching the kids while she spends the night on the town with her boyfriends down the road. He tells me, “There’s nothing wrong with it.”, but I know they argue over it from time to time, even though he’s fine with it.
As you walk through life, no doubt you will come across similar scenarios, if you haven’t already. Again, the things that are coming to mind likely don’t happen in a literal sense in your relationship, but maybe these thoughts might trigger something else that may need to be addressed head on.
Have you ever known a wife who didn’t like her husband charging up his credit card with alcohol, or stumbling in late at night? The ironic part being that those were the same kinds of things that he did when they met. Sometimes, the things that are cute or tolerable when you’re dating, are the very things that drive men and women apart once the romance has worn off.
I haven’t met this young woman, but I doubt that you would fall for a lush. I just encourage you to be brutally honest with yourself and to address anything now, rather than to expect her to change down the road.
Change is a funny thing. It’s a word that is generally used in reference to what somebody else should be doing. It is a word that is often coined when an electoral candidate is trying to unseat the incumbent. For the most part, people really don’t change. In fact, we tend to resent those who are push us towards what I would refer to as upward change.
So often I hear stories from husbands who are resentful that their wives are trying to change them, whether it’s in context of their diet, their recreation or even their own personal hygiene. Some people do end up changing for the better, and by God’s grace, I’m really not the same man that Barb married. Fortunately, she loves the man that I am as much or more than the man that I was.
Please don’t press into your future assuming that the other person will change or grow out of anything.
Something to Talk About
As for the conversations that you should be having;
Talk about your expectations in life.
What do you really expect out of life? What about kids? Where do you want to live? If you are mobile, ready to go anywhere life takes you, is she? Expectations do change and often, life does fail to meet our expectations, but if both of you are seeking very different things in life and really have little intention of yielding to the other, it’s going to be tough. How does each of you handle your money? Are you really prepared to be joined as one? How mobile are each of you? Does one of you have the vision of living in Africa? Is one of you firmly rooted here in Canada? If one of you has roots and one of you has wings, how will that affect your lives together?
If you fly away, will the one with roots be able to find new roots in new soil? If you remain planted, will the one with wings feel like they’ve missed out on life? What are your visions for life, and can those visions be reconciled over the long term?
Suppose one of you loves to shop. How will the other feel if the bank account is constantly in overdraft? As I recall, you seemed to be fairly level headed, but what if both of you love to spend? Money isn’t supposed to be all important, but poverty leaves a lot to be desired. If one of you is strong and one is weak, can the one who is weak entrust the other with the purse strings?
How can each of you deal with unmet expectations? Life WILL throw you curve balls. If you plan to have one child, what happens if you end up with twins? Not that it ever happens. :-)
Those are just a few conversation starters. I also encourage you to take time for the silly romantic talk. “I love you. I miss you. I’ll make you pies and cakes. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You give me that queasy feeling in my stomach.”
It’s ok to enjoy each other and simply revel in the newness of your relationship. I hope that you are enjoying this time together. Call each other cute names.
If your relationship is already becoming a case study on conflict resolution, I’d question the venture. Conflicts will come and I know that by God’s grace you can overcome, but at this stage in the game, I’d be concerned if it already feels like an ongoing battle. I doubt that’s the case with you. As I say that, I’m thinking back to a friend in university who was in just such a situation. She was planning on getting married anyway because, “That’s what people do after university.” Fortunately, she dropped the guy and married Mr. Right.
Thank you so much for updating me on your life. I know that the spiritual dimension is lacking in this letter, but this is all you get for the moment. I’m into the third page and I’m ready for bed. If this helps and you’d like more, you know where to find me.
I miss you old friend. If you never hear from me again, I want you to know that I am pleased with the life that you are living as well as the way that you seem to be living out your calling.
Keep the faith!
Love Kevin
In short, he has a girl. She likes him. He likes her. She probably smells nice. He looks good in his dark sunglasses. They are considering planning their lives together. After sharing some very encouraging news about the direction of his life, he asked me...
“I do not really know questions to ask, because this really is the first adult relationship I have ever been in. In fact one thing that we think could be helpful, is asking you what types of things should we be talking about (I know vague, but it really is one of the only questions I have)”
If I’m going to ruin their lives, I might as well do it in public. Who knows? Maybe it can bless you in the process.
It’s wonderful to hear from you Ned!
It’s funny. I was reading through some of Barb’s love letters from University. I wouldn’t recommend saying the same things that we used to say to each other…..
“I’ll make you pies. I’ll make you cookies and cakes. I’ll be a good wife. I’ll try my hardest anyway.”
Good times.
Maybe you don’t need to make pies or cakes.
Thank you so much for you question. It’s an awesome privilege that I would come to mind as you consider what could become one of the greatest relationships on this side of heaven. I’m glad to hear that you have found someone and I look forward to meeting her someday. What should you be talking about as you plan your lives together?
The first thing that comes to mind has little to do with a conversation, but more to do with what you are thinking about. I’m going to give you a question. You don’t have to tell me, but I encourage you to seriously consider it for yourself.
Something To Think About
Is there anything about her that you hope will change?
If you are anything like me, your first response will be, “Of course not. I love her just the way she is.” If that’s the first thing that comes to your mind, please don’t dismiss the question just yet. Dig deep if you have to. Are there things that maybe you aren’t quite fine with, that you are hoping will fall by the wayside as life moves along?
I trust that you are with a woman of noble character, but are there things that she does that you really aren’t fine with? A friend of mine from high school has a girlfriend who likes to go out drinking with her guy friends. My friend says that he’s fine with it. He even tells me that he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with it. However, I question how honest he is being about it. I wonder if he’ll really be fine with watching the kids while she spends the night on the town with her boyfriends down the road. He tells me, “There’s nothing wrong with it.”, but I know they argue over it from time to time, even though he’s fine with it.
As you walk through life, no doubt you will come across similar scenarios, if you haven’t already. Again, the things that are coming to mind likely don’t happen in a literal sense in your relationship, but maybe these thoughts might trigger something else that may need to be addressed head on.
Have you ever known a wife who didn’t like her husband charging up his credit card with alcohol, or stumbling in late at night? The ironic part being that those were the same kinds of things that he did when they met. Sometimes, the things that are cute or tolerable when you’re dating, are the very things that drive men and women apart once the romance has worn off.
I haven’t met this young woman, but I doubt that you would fall for a lush. I just encourage you to be brutally honest with yourself and to address anything now, rather than to expect her to change down the road.
Change is a funny thing. It’s a word that is generally used in reference to what somebody else should be doing. It is a word that is often coined when an electoral candidate is trying to unseat the incumbent. For the most part, people really don’t change. In fact, we tend to resent those who are push us towards what I would refer to as upward change.
So often I hear stories from husbands who are resentful that their wives are trying to change them, whether it’s in context of their diet, their recreation or even their own personal hygiene. Some people do end up changing for the better, and by God’s grace, I’m really not the same man that Barb married. Fortunately, she loves the man that I am as much or more than the man that I was.
Please don’t press into your future assuming that the other person will change or grow out of anything.
Something to Talk About
As for the conversations that you should be having;
Talk about your expectations in life.
What do you really expect out of life? What about kids? Where do you want to live? If you are mobile, ready to go anywhere life takes you, is she? Expectations do change and often, life does fail to meet our expectations, but if both of you are seeking very different things in life and really have little intention of yielding to the other, it’s going to be tough. How does each of you handle your money? Are you really prepared to be joined as one? How mobile are each of you? Does one of you have the vision of living in Africa? Is one of you firmly rooted here in Canada? If one of you has roots and one of you has wings, how will that affect your lives together?
If you fly away, will the one with roots be able to find new roots in new soil? If you remain planted, will the one with wings feel like they’ve missed out on life? What are your visions for life, and can those visions be reconciled over the long term?
Suppose one of you loves to shop. How will the other feel if the bank account is constantly in overdraft? As I recall, you seemed to be fairly level headed, but what if both of you love to spend? Money isn’t supposed to be all important, but poverty leaves a lot to be desired. If one of you is strong and one is weak, can the one who is weak entrust the other with the purse strings?
How can each of you deal with unmet expectations? Life WILL throw you curve balls. If you plan to have one child, what happens if you end up with twins? Not that it ever happens. :-)
Those are just a few conversation starters. I also encourage you to take time for the silly romantic talk. “I love you. I miss you. I’ll make you pies and cakes. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You give me that queasy feeling in my stomach.”
It’s ok to enjoy each other and simply revel in the newness of your relationship. I hope that you are enjoying this time together. Call each other cute names.
If your relationship is already becoming a case study on conflict resolution, I’d question the venture. Conflicts will come and I know that by God’s grace you can overcome, but at this stage in the game, I’d be concerned if it already feels like an ongoing battle. I doubt that’s the case with you. As I say that, I’m thinking back to a friend in university who was in just such a situation. She was planning on getting married anyway because, “That’s what people do after university.” Fortunately, she dropped the guy and married Mr. Right.
Thank you so much for updating me on your life. I know that the spiritual dimension is lacking in this letter, but this is all you get for the moment. I’m into the third page and I’m ready for bed. If this helps and you’d like more, you know where to find me.
I miss you old friend. If you never hear from me again, I want you to know that I am pleased with the life that you are living as well as the way that you seem to be living out your calling.
Keep the faith!
Love Kevin
Sunday, April 3, 2011
Introduction - Chapter 6 Receiving The Gift
Chapter 6 – Receiving Love
I can still see her gift, lying crumpled up in the bottom of the bathroom waste basket. I even envision the tiny single bathroom in that old grey tar papered farm house. The walls were light blue as was the porcelain bowl by which the basket sat. This basket had turned out to be the final resting place for what was intended to be my Christmas present.
For those of you who have had small children, you might be able to picture the enthusiasm with which my little sister took on her endeavour. Children often do that kind of thing for the people in their lives. She was about five years old at the time, and as such found herself without the resources or the means with which to purchase anything for me. Still, for some reason that eludes me, she valued my place in her life enough to take the time and make me something.
Have you ever watched or helped a child make a gift for someone they love? I wasn’t there to help her in her creation but I imagine that lovely dark haired young lady sitting at the family kitchen table, or perhaps on the living room floor; her crayons and craft materials lying scattered before her. Carefully and thoughtfully, she would choose her favourite colours and stickers. There might have been a set of googly eyes in the top corner. Those are always pretty cool. I’ve used the googly eye craft stickers on many occasions myself.
“Mom. What do you think? Do you think Kevin will like this?”
“That’s wonderful dear. I’m sure your brother will like it very much.”
With the finished product in hand, it was time to package it. How should a little girl wrap such a gift? Should she put it in a box? No. Of course not. This present wasn’t meant for a box. This was the kind of present that deserved to be packaged all on its own. With great care, she rolled it into a small cylinder, picking out a special piece of light bluish green wrapping paper. How should one finish off such a gift? What else? The ends were carefully tied together with two pieces of light pink yarn.
Brothers and sister do often find themselves at odds with one another. Sometimes the issues that divide us from the people that we love are serious. They are things that need to be dealt with where one individual really does need to take a stand against the other. Much of the time, the issues that set us apart are not so. We find ourselves squabbling over issues that really aren’t all that significant. In married relationships, I hear about wives who get upset that their husbands want to spend time with or sleep with them. I hear of husbands who get upset that their wives actually want to talk or ask about how their day went. Imagine the nerve.
Generally speaking, the issues that arise from young siblings are not nearly as severe as those among adults, and although I can remember the sight of her gift in the bottom of the basket, I can’t recall the issues that motivated me to throw her gift away. I have a hard time believing that she had seriously wronged me. If it was some grave offense that had compelled me to hurt her in that way, I believe I might recall the source of it all. Rather than responding to any manner of a serious crime, I’m certain that spite was what motivated me to refuse the gift that she had poured herself into. Of all the things that I cannot recall, there is one tidbit that I can. I wanted her to hurt. I wanted to hurt her, not by hitting her. I wanted her to reel in knowing the fact that her best wasn’t good enough for me. I wanted to see her cry. I suppose I got what I wanted. She did cry, and I never even took the time to unwrap her gift.
The events that unfolded on that cold December morning were likely over in a few minutes, yet the regret of my actions linger now into my mid thirties. I still wonder what was inside that tiny package. I wonder what type of present a little girl would want to give to her big brother. I’ll never know. As much as I had intended to hurt her, I somehow doubt that she spends much time agonizing over that day with her counsellor. For my part, as you can plainly see, that sad day lingers on.
I can still see her gift, lying crumpled up in the bottom of the bathroom waste basket. I even envision the tiny single bathroom in that old grey tar papered farm house. The walls were light blue as was the porcelain bowl by which the basket sat. This basket had turned out to be the final resting place for what was intended to be my Christmas present.
For those of you who have had small children, you might be able to picture the enthusiasm with which my little sister took on her endeavour. Children often do that kind of thing for the people in their lives. She was about five years old at the time, and as such found herself without the resources or the means with which to purchase anything for me. Still, for some reason that eludes me, she valued my place in her life enough to take the time and make me something.
Have you ever watched or helped a child make a gift for someone they love? I wasn’t there to help her in her creation but I imagine that lovely dark haired young lady sitting at the family kitchen table, or perhaps on the living room floor; her crayons and craft materials lying scattered before her. Carefully and thoughtfully, she would choose her favourite colours and stickers. There might have been a set of googly eyes in the top corner. Those are always pretty cool. I’ve used the googly eye craft stickers on many occasions myself.
“Mom. What do you think? Do you think Kevin will like this?”
“That’s wonderful dear. I’m sure your brother will like it very much.”
With the finished product in hand, it was time to package it. How should a little girl wrap such a gift? Should she put it in a box? No. Of course not. This present wasn’t meant for a box. This was the kind of present that deserved to be packaged all on its own. With great care, she rolled it into a small cylinder, picking out a special piece of light bluish green wrapping paper. How should one finish off such a gift? What else? The ends were carefully tied together with two pieces of light pink yarn.
Brothers and sister do often find themselves at odds with one another. Sometimes the issues that divide us from the people that we love are serious. They are things that need to be dealt with where one individual really does need to take a stand against the other. Much of the time, the issues that set us apart are not so. We find ourselves squabbling over issues that really aren’t all that significant. In married relationships, I hear about wives who get upset that their husbands want to spend time with or sleep with them. I hear of husbands who get upset that their wives actually want to talk or ask about how their day went. Imagine the nerve.
Generally speaking, the issues that arise from young siblings are not nearly as severe as those among adults, and although I can remember the sight of her gift in the bottom of the basket, I can’t recall the issues that motivated me to throw her gift away. I have a hard time believing that she had seriously wronged me. If it was some grave offense that had compelled me to hurt her in that way, I believe I might recall the source of it all. Rather than responding to any manner of a serious crime, I’m certain that spite was what motivated me to refuse the gift that she had poured herself into. Of all the things that I cannot recall, there is one tidbit that I can. I wanted her to hurt. I wanted to hurt her, not by hitting her. I wanted her to reel in knowing the fact that her best wasn’t good enough for me. I wanted to see her cry. I suppose I got what I wanted. She did cry, and I never even took the time to unwrap her gift.
The events that unfolded on that cold December morning were likely over in a few minutes, yet the regret of my actions linger now into my mid thirties. I still wonder what was inside that tiny package. I wonder what type of present a little girl would want to give to her big brother. I’ll never know. As much as I had intended to hurt her, I somehow doubt that she spends much time agonizing over that day with her counsellor. For my part, as you can plainly see, that sad day lingers on.
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