I've Got a Girl, and She's Got a Guy

Every so often, I receive an e-mail that blesses my socks off. Really. I’m not wearing any. I had an old friend write me updating me on his life. He had a lot wonderful things to share. I’d fill you in on some of the details of his life, but some of you might figure it out. There are approximately 4 people who read this blog (one of whom lives in Russia) so I don’t want all 4 of them knowing who I’m talking about.

In short, he has a girl. She likes him. He likes her. She probably smells nice. He looks good in his dark sunglasses. They are considering planning their lives together. After sharing some very encouraging news about the direction of his life, he asked me...

“I do not really know questions to ask, because this really is the first adult relationship I have ever been in. In fact one thing that we think could be helpful, is asking you what types of things should we be talking about (I know vague, but it really is one of the only questions I have)”

If I’m going to ruin their lives, I might as well do it in public. Who knows? Maybe it can bless you in the process.

It’s wonderful to hear from you Ned!

It’s funny. I was reading through some of Barb’s love letters from University. I wouldn’t recommend saying the same things that we used to say to each other…..

“I’ll make you pies. I’ll make you cookies and cakes. I’ll be a good wife. I’ll try my hardest anyway.”

Good times.

Maybe you don’t need to make pies or cakes.

Thank you so much for you question. It’s an awesome privilege that I would come to mind as you consider what could become one of the greatest relationships on this side of heaven. I’m glad to hear that you have found someone and I look forward to meeting her someday. What should you be talking about as you plan your lives together?

The first thing that comes to mind has little to do with a conversation, but more to do with what you are thinking about. I’m going to give you a question. You don’t have to tell me, but I encourage you to seriously consider it for yourself.

Something To Think About

Is there anything about her that you hope will change?

If you are anything like me, your first response will be, “Of course not. I love her just the way she is.” If that’s the first thing that comes to your mind, please don’t dismiss the question just yet. Dig deep if you have to. Are there things that maybe you aren’t quite fine with, that you are hoping will fall by the wayside as life moves along?

I trust that you are with a woman of noble character, but are there things that she does that you really aren’t fine with? A friend of mine from high school has a girlfriend who likes to go out drinking with her guy friends. My friend says that he’s fine with it. He even tells me that he doesn’t think there is anything wrong with it. However, I question how honest he is being about it. I wonder if he’ll really be fine with watching the kids while she spends the night on the town with her boyfriends down the road. He tells me, “There’s nothing wrong with it.”, but I know they argue over it from time to time, even though he’s fine with it.

As you walk through life, no doubt you will come across similar scenarios, if you haven’t already. Again, the things that are coming to mind likely don’t happen in a literal sense in your relationship, but maybe these thoughts might trigger something else that may need to be addressed head on.

Have you ever known a wife who didn’t like her husband charging up his credit card with alcohol, or stumbling in late at night? The ironic part being that those were the same kinds of things that he did when they met. Sometimes, the things that are cute or tolerable when you’re dating, are the very things that drive men and women apart once the romance has worn off.

I haven’t met this young woman, but I doubt that you would fall for a lush. I just encourage you to be brutally honest with yourself and to address anything now, rather than to expect her to change down the road.

Change is a funny thing. It’s a word that is generally used in reference to what somebody else should be doing. It is a word that is often coined when an electoral candidate is trying to unseat the incumbent. For the most part, people really don’t change. In fact, we tend to resent those who are push us towards what I would refer to as upward change.

So often I hear stories from husbands who are resentful that their wives are trying to change them, whether it’s in context of their diet, their recreation or even their own personal hygiene. Some people do end up changing for the better, and by God’s grace, I’m really not the same man that Barb married. Fortunately, she loves the man that I am as much or more than the man that I was.

Please don’t press into your future assuming that the other person will change or grow out of anything.

Something to Talk About

As for the conversations that you should be having;

Talk about your expectations in life.

What do you really expect out of life? What about kids? Where do you want to live? If you are mobile, ready to go anywhere life takes you, is she? Expectations do change and often, life does fail to meet our expectations, but if both of you are seeking very different things in life and really have little intention of yielding to the other, it’s going to be tough. How does each of you handle your money? Are you really prepared to be joined as one? How mobile are each of you? Does one of you have the vision of living in Africa? Is one of you firmly rooted here in Canada? If one of you has roots and one of you has wings, how will that affect your lives together?

If you fly away, will the one with roots be able to find new roots in new soil? If you remain planted, will the one with wings feel like they’ve missed out on life? What are your visions for life, and can those visions be reconciled over the long term?

Suppose one of you loves to shop. How will the other feel if the bank account is constantly in overdraft? As I recall, you seemed to be fairly level headed, but what if both of you love to spend? Money isn’t supposed to be all important, but poverty leaves a lot to be desired. If one of you is strong and one is weak, can the one who is weak entrust the other with the purse strings?

How can each of you deal with unmet expectations? Life WILL throw you curve balls. If you plan to have one child, what happens if you end up with twins? Not that it ever happens. :-)

Those are just a few conversation starters. I also encourage you to take time for the silly romantic talk. “I love you. I miss you. I’ll make you pies and cakes. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. You give me that queasy feeling in my stomach.”

It’s ok to enjoy each other and simply revel in the newness of your relationship. I hope that you are enjoying this time together. Call each other cute names.

If your relationship is already becoming a case study on conflict resolution, I’d question the venture. Conflicts will come and I know that by God’s grace you can overcome, but at this stage in the game, I’d be concerned if it already feels like an ongoing battle. I doubt that’s the case with you. As I say that, I’m thinking back to a friend in university who was in just such a situation. She was planning on getting married anyway because, “That’s what people do after university.” Fortunately, she dropped the guy and married Mr. Right.

Thank you so much for updating me on your life. I know that the spiritual dimension is lacking in this letter, but this is all you get for the moment. I’m into the third page and I’m ready for bed. If this helps and you’d like more, you know where to find me.

I miss you old friend. If you never hear from me again, I want you to know that I am pleased with the life that you are living as well as the way that you seem to be living out your calling.

Keep the faith!

Love Kevin