Is it hateful to accuse someone of sinning? (Call me a hater)

Early on in our life as believers, my wife and I began investing ourselves in the lives of many of the high school aged youth in our church. For me, it wasn’t so much that I saw myself as being a youth pastor. It looked more like this; I was discovering my spiritual gifting as a believer in Christ, and they were the ones who were kind enough to lend me their ears.

We had been actively loving the young people of our church for a year or two when she came into our lives. Her name was Amber. She was a lovely young lady, having a beautiful smile, and tightly curled, dark brown hair. My wife and I had known her older sister for some time before hand. It’s kind of cute as I recall. Her sister consistently carried a vibrant smile on her face as well. Maybe it was genetic.

As with most relationships, it took some time before we really began to know each other. It’s as if for the most part, we live two separate lives in the world. There is often a difference between the face that we show to the world, verses the gritty lives we endure from day to day. In her case, she was struggling with an eating disorder and she had wrestled with her condition for some time. Eventually, it came to the point where she had to be hospitalized.

During that period, she asked me a very pointed question. “Kevin. Is it a sin to do what I’m doing to myself?”

How was I to respond to such a question? What about our relationship? Whenever people accuse each other of sin, it’s usually looked upon as being judgmental. Is it not? Accusing someone of living a sinful life is often categorized as hateful speech. What would it do to our relationship? If she thought that I was hating her, what were the odds that she would continue to be a part of our lives?

What about her well being? Surely she had suffered enough already. How do you tell someone who is already hurting, someone who feels trapped and unable to do anything about their situation, that the life they are living goes against God’s will for them. I can think of other people with other struggles, who in their depression have taken their own lives, because the weight of the accusation was too heavy to hold.

The following might sound like a bunny trail, but it isn’t. Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla ice cream? Who decides? Do your friends choose whether or not you like chocolate? What if I were to have a debate with my coworkers? Could we argue and allow the winner to choose what flavour you like? That would just be stupid. You are the one who decides.

Likewise, what about sin? If sin is being disobedient to God, then who does the deciding? God decides. We can debate all we want and draw whatever conclusions sit well with us, but in the end, our opinions really don’t matter. It’s His call. I know that the Bible doesn’t specifically mention her disorder, but it does make mention of how a believer’s body is the temple of The Holy Spirit. If I was honest with myself, I really couldn’t see how it would be God’s will for her to starve herself or head to the washroom to purge after a family dinner.

I took the risk in being honest. I risked our relationship together. I even risked her sanity. What else could I do? It was an honest question. It deserved an honest answer.

“Amber. I really don’t think that God wants you doing what you’re doing to your body. So yeah. I really think it is a sin.”

She responded with a maturity that I have NEVER witnessed in the world, and rarely witness among the faithful.

“That’s good. It’s good because I know that Jesus has power over sin. I know that even if I struggle now, I won’t have to go through this forever.”

Just to keep you updated, my family and I spent four phenomenal hours with Amber last night. She has grown into a healthy young woman, and has married a tremendous young man. What would her story have looked like, had I been the voice that said, “There’s nothing wrong with it...”? Could she have, in the words of Ezekiel, “died in her sin”? I didn’t call it a sin because I hated her or wanted to judge her. I called it sin because I loved Amber, and truly believed that this was definitely not what God wanted for her.

Glossing over sin, giving it another name or putting a smiley face on it might have the appearance of love, but it has the potential to bring us, and our loved ones, to ultimate ruin.