Kill The Beast!

So what do you do if you realize that you are a criminal? How does one deal with that kind of knowledge?

I’m not sure why, but this subject never gets old with me. I wonder why that is. It’s as if this topic is an ancient mystical beast which continues to rear its ugly head throughout time. I hear it over and over and I am compelled to fight the monster until one of two things happens. Either I kill the thing, or I die. I'll probably die first. Perhaps if I had my Masters of Divinity I would have killed it by now. I keep stabbing at the fiend because I’m pretty sure that it lives in some form within most of us.

Did you recognize the monster when you read the article on the gangsta? Although the gangsta isn’t alive to state his case, some of the people who knew him were there to defend his honour on his behalf. It is a very old story. Very few of us are built to be able to handle the ugly truth about ourselves and we tend to make our defence in similar terms.

We point to the good things that we’ve done. I guess that makes it all better right? Sure I beat my wife, but I work had all day and I help with the toys for tots campaign at Christmas time. If you look at the argument for face value, tell me that it isn’t one of the dumbest things you’ve ever heard. As lame as it is, it is the very garbage that we continue to spew.

Some people actually make lists of the good things they do. As for the gangsta, we’re reminded of the same in the news reports on his life. We hear about how he loved his little girl. We are even told what belated birthday present that he bought for her. It was reported how he would hug his grandma and tell her that he loved her. Don’t you find that to be odd? If you think on it, why does the need arise to mention the good things about a person?

What if you quit doing that 'bad' thing? Does that make you good? Does that fix anything? The lawyer of the young man told reporters that he really was thinking of leaving the gangsta life. As wonderful as it is to stop doing bad stuff, it doesn’t actually solve the issue. Suppose you have four children and I killed one last month. Suppose that I kill one this week. What if I let the rest of your children live? Does that make it better? I stopped. I repented of my murdering ways so we’re all good right? It’s ridiculous thinking, but it’s so popular. If I just find the strength and the way to stop doing bad stuff, then I must be good enough.

Or maybe we don't have to do good things or stop doing the bad. Perhaps we can give it another name. Instead of labeling it 'dirty', we can call it a lifestyle. Being a career criminal is a lifestyle now. Remember when calling someone a slut was an insult? Ah. Those were the days.

You might not have recognized it and this isn’t all that detailed, but I have just summarized most of the religious thinking of this world.

Here is my opinion on the matter. Even though we tell ourselves over and over that we are ‘good’, there is this voice which remains with us, that really does know the difference. It’s a quiet voice so it’s easy to ignore if you put your mind to it. The voice also tells us that there will come a day where we will be weighed, measured and found wanting.

Listing all of the ‘good’ we have done in our lives is a way for us to answer that voice and keep it at bay for a short time. Pointing to the nasty deeds we have given up helps us in the same way. Giving the dirt a new name tells the voice that it's wrong. However, that quiet voice really never goes away does it? No matter how much time you spend doing yoga, no matter how late you stay up watching the comedy network, nothing we do actually gets rid of that insecurity permanently.

If you have ever watched Saving Private Ryan, you may remember the final scene. Ryan is visiting the final resting place for the body of one of the men who came to his rescue. As he stands at the grave site, he says to his wife, “Tell me I’m a good man.” His wife lays her hand at the side of his face, looks at him intently and says, “You are.” If you look at Ryan’s expression afterwards, do you really think he is convinced?

Even my lovely wife told me that this post is ‘old Kevin’, and I know it is. Tell me the monster’s dead. If it is, I’ll stop swinging.