How to Find A Man.

A little while ago, I was asked if I had any advice for ‘young women’ as they consider finding a husband. In my mind, even though men are different creatures, the same principles govern each gender. However, we all view truth as it relates to our own context, so I’m going to take a shot at this from a female perspective.

Treading carefully.

As I consider finding a spouse, I really wouldn’t want to be ‘in the market’. I really believe that love is growing cold and that even for the few who really are looking or authentic love, the pickings are slim. Even individuals who are in the search having a good head on their shoulders get burned, because there are fewer and fewer people who want to be committed in a way that husbands and wives are meant to be.

I don’t have any stats at my disposal, but people seem to be getting married later in life. When I was in my early twenties, my friends started dropping off like flies. Getting married after university just seemed to be the thing to do. It seems that marriage, for most people is like a prison sentence and the only way to escape it, is to remain single. I often hear the phrase, ‘settling down’ as being used in reference to marriage.

I say that, because I don’t want anyone to be surprised if they find someone who might be ‘the one’, but when it gets serious, they walk. In other words, don’t be surprised if you get burned. The person you find might be more deceptive than you think. The one who wants to hold your hand might tell you things that you want to hear and he might even believe himself when he says,

“I’ll never leave you.”
“I’ll always be there for you.”
“Leaving you would be the biggest mistake of my life.”

Just because they tell you those things doesn’t mean that they are true. I don’t want you to be cynical to the point where you aren’t able to enjoy how wonderful it can be to fall in love. I would like however if you would have the mind of Christ when it comes to the person who has caught your attention.

John 2:23-25 (New Living Translation)
Jesus and Nicodemus
23 Because of the miraculous signs Jesus did in Jerusalem at the Passover celebration, many began to trust in him. 24 But Jesus didn’t trust them, because he knew human nature. 25 No one needed to tell him what mankind is really like.

This passage wasn’t written for us as a roadmap to finding the perfect mate, but we see in Him an attitude that can help us protect our heart. Jesus has a lot of people following him. By wordly standards, that would be a good thing. In the world, we value how many people buy our cd’s, watch our movies or follow us on Twitter. We use those as marks for success in a way. However, Jesus didn’t look at His huge Facebook following as an accomplishment. Even though they were with Him, even though they shook His hand and told him how much they liked His sermons, even though they packed the theatre to watch The Passion of The Christ, we’re told that they didn’t trust them, because He knew human nature.

I don’t want you to live being unable to trust, but I also hope that you have a decent grasp on human nature. Don't be deceived into thinking that this person can do no wrong. Just because he’s your biggest fan, just because he buys you flowers, just because he picks you up and takes you out for dinner, doesn’t mean that he actually cares for you. He might merely be in it for what he hopes to get for himself.

Dating tends to be one of the greatest deceptions played out in humanity. When a guy is ‘after you’, he’ll do things for you now that he might not do later in life. I don’t want you to place much value on the things that he is doing for you now. A lot of times, the flowers, the date nights, the wining and dining dry up once you’re married. Sadly, it often plays out as if you are a prize, and once you have been ‘won’, there is little need to maintain the facade.

Again, I don’t want you to be cynical to the point where you can’t enjoy life. What I hope that you are able to do is this; Try to envision what life will be like if he stops doing nice things for you. What is left? Imagine what it would be like if that butterfly feeling in your stomach were to subside? Is there anything left which is admirable about him? What will life with him be like when he’s gone all day long and you’re ‘stuck’ with a newborn and a teething toddler?

Love isn’t that feeling you get when he kisses you for the first few times. Love isn’t when he takes you out on a date. Love isn’t how he looks or how he smells. Love has more to do with what remains after everything else is stripped away, when the feeling is gone and the flowers stop coming.